moving due to peer pressure

i dont know why everyone went to wordpress, but im going too. it'll be easier to follow everyone.
http://jerznix.wordpress.com/

Lapsed Blogger

i sorta knew that i wasn't going to keep up with this thing. and if you know me, then you probably didnt expect me to keep up with it either. i'll apologize anyway.

since that last, insanely dramatic post, i've been running around like a maniac for work. Things are just starting to settle down now. And by settle down I mean that I have about a week before I jump into another huge project that will consume my entire life again.

I went to Florida for Memorial Day Weekend to see my friend Steph from Gamma Delt. I had a nice heart-to-heart with her father. I've always looked up to him and he gave me a good perspective from which to view my career. Steph got me liquored up and let me loose on a dancefloor. The next day, we laid on the beach all day. It was 100% what I needed after my mini meltdown.

2 weeks later, my dear friend Nicole came to help bail me out of my misery. Again, a healthy weekend at the beach with girltalk was just what I needed. I even got to see my friend Dave from college!

Will came home safe and sound from Iraq and we visited the new stadium! We had AMAZING seats, but didnt end up home until 4am (thank you mass transit). Good news is I didnt puke this time.

So far, this summer has been great! This weekend is my birthday!!

Life GPS?

i cry 3 out of 7 nights a week. that can't be normal. i cry about everything and nothing at the same time... and i hate how dramatic that sounds.

it's midnight and i'm sitting here sobbing. on the way home, i cried over a guy that i barely knew that died 4 years ago. i dont know why he popped into my head, but i cried for a good half hour.

i've been in minnesota, wisconsin, NC, PA, and NJ in a 12 hour span. been on the road all week. had a big meeting yesterday and it went horribly. the office is going to have my head for not getting my objective. i almost cried after that meeting.

i cried a few days ago because i realized that even if i do a good job at work, it doesnt really amount to anything. selling things to people who dont need it (or even want it) serves no purpose in the grand scheme of things. and there's no thanks. just- "so what are you going to do next?" i guess that's corporate america, but i'm done. i want out. that's no way to live.

All of my friends are getting married, building careers for themselves, having babies.... and here i am selling shit, still living at home, and alone for the last 4 years. when did i get so lost? i remember being confident. i remember being right along side all of these people. when did i fall behind? i feel so hopeless. i'm debating a career change and it terrifies me. i'm so scared i'm going to fail and be even worse off than i am now.

how is it that everyone else found their path, and i found my way off of mine?

can't live with em...

I really don't understand men. I'm sure thats not shocking if you know me, and probably why I tend not to bother at all.
One thing that has been happening quite often that I just cant understand:

Why is it that when my guy-friends are single, we can just be friends and hang out and everything is fine. The minute they get into a relationship, I start to look like a fine prospect for "the other woman".

This I cannot understand.

I also find it kinda disrespectful- to both the gf and me. What is that about??? Is it because when we're single they dont want to flirt because they dont want me to think they're interested? When they're in a relationship they dont have to worry about making any moves? i really don't understand.

success!

tonight my company held a dinner in my honor for closing a huge account that easily took 5 years off my life. and that's coming from someone that jumps out of planes for fun. it was only 6 people, but it felt good to celebrate a job well done. i put my guts into this account for the last 3 months and it actually paid off!

so now that i've accomplished this huge success... anyone want to give me pointers on how to ask for a raise?

Namaste?

i havent blogged in awhile... i'm a lapsed blogger.

things have been insane at work- 12 to 14 hour days, weekends, travel halfway across the world and back. new opportunities and key account strategies. it's great to have growth in this economy, but it nearly killed me. i went so all-out on the first key account pitch that i was bedridden for a solid week. i thought i had meningitis. turns out, it was effects from exhaustion. i had literally completely run myself down.

the day i got back to the office, one of my coworkers sat me down and told me that my priorities are completely out of whack. when wallpaper drives you to week-long illness, there's a problem. last week at dinner, one of my buyers told me the same thing. she knew nothing of the illness, but she did know that she was getting emails from me at 10pm and then again at 7am the next morning. she said that having a good career is good, but having a good life is essential. when someone that is basically a stranger preaches advice like this over red wine and sushi, you should listen.

my friends and family have been telling me this for almost four years now. i completely agree with them, but i cant seem to pry myself out of work. not because i love it, but because i dont know how else to fill my time. i've been on this schedule for 4 years now and bad habits die hard. my friends are far away, and it seems like there's no way to meet new people (new girl friends OR boyfriends) unless it's via an online dating service or through work. neither of which appeal to me.

my new year's resolution was to get my priorities straight and be sure that although i can work hard at work, i can also play just as hard on my off-time. well, so far, i havent even given myself any off-time to play!

i'm thinking now that desperate times call for drastic measures.
i read an article in a magazine about a weeklong yoga retreat. this particular retreat is in Maine in the midst of perfect natural Zen, complete with babbling brook and still water lake. the retreat is run by 2 lesbians, which is not surprising for Maine, but will ensure that i wont have to worry about becoming boy-crazy. any guy that would spend a week at a lesbian-run yoga retreat is not for me. although it seems like a bit of overkill, it might be a drastic enough change to kick me into gear. ultimate calm meets ultimate stress, in hopes that the calm will prevail.

there's only one problem:

i hate yoga. i have been an athlete all my life- track, field hockey, lacrosse, swimming, snowboarding, surfing..... and quiet sports work my last nerve. i'm utterly impatient while playing golf. especially if there is a group in front that we need to wait for. i hate waiting my turn to bowl (i also skeeve at the idea of rental shoes). yoga fits into this category. holding poses and staying calm and focusing on breathing doesnt really work for me. my mind wanders and i usually end up planning my next meal during the class. i consider this a personal flaw. the fact that i cannot force myself to not think about anything annoys me. then i tend to think about this problem through the entire class.
"just focus. why cant you just relax and stop thinking? this is not stupid. you can do this. stop thinking. now. really. stop. uugh!!"
i end up leaving the class more frustrated then how i came in.

i do love me a good challenge. and maybe if i make this a personal challenge, then it'll be just competitive enough to make me finally figure out how to stay calm and think about nothing. i'm completely aware that turning yoga into a competition with myself is basically insane in a Cybil sort of way.
And i'm ok with that.

Personality Profile

I filled out 20 short answers... and this is what the computer came back with about me:


This is a direct and expressive person, confident and friendly, and individualist who likes to get results through an independent approach. Nix is good at creating and maintaining enthusiasm in others. She needs a position that allows her to have the authority to act without precedent. She has little time for detail, except when a result depends upon it.


This assertive person reacts quickly to a challenge, is restless to succeed and can become impatient when thing do not go according to her plan. She is not particularly compliant and can be opinionated and defiant. She dislikes losing at most things and is anxious to try new ideas.


Nix is a self-starter, and can be impetuous at times and is normally aggressive in both the work and social environment. She can be emotional when something is at stake. She may need to have a clean understanding of what is expected of her.

Descriptive Words: Assertive, Adventuresome, decisive, direct, confident, friendly, forceful, mobile, restless, persistent, strong willed, very independent, sometimes defiant

Ironically, in college, I asked my friends to give me one descriptive word for me to use for my Self Portrait assignment in Photography class.
This is what they came up with: Classic, Feisty, Strong, Funny, Tough, Bold, Loyal, spontaneous, artistic, opinionated, determined, outgoing, flirty, crazy, truthful, independent, innovative, unique, energetic, smart, bitch, driven, odd, wacky, unpredictable, loud, stubborn, witty, bossy, motivated

But I think I'm just me...