Lapsed Blogger

i sorta knew that i wasn't going to keep up with this thing. and if you know me, then you probably didnt expect me to keep up with it either. i'll apologize anyway.

since that last, insanely dramatic post, i've been running around like a maniac for work. Things are just starting to settle down now. And by settle down I mean that I have about a week before I jump into another huge project that will consume my entire life again.

I went to Florida for Memorial Day Weekend to see my friend Steph from Gamma Delt. I had a nice heart-to-heart with her father. I've always looked up to him and he gave me a good perspective from which to view my career. Steph got me liquored up and let me loose on a dancefloor. The next day, we laid on the beach all day. It was 100% what I needed after my mini meltdown.

2 weeks later, my dear friend Nicole came to help bail me out of my misery. Again, a healthy weekend at the beach with girltalk was just what I needed. I even got to see my friend Dave from college!

Will came home safe and sound from Iraq and we visited the new stadium! We had AMAZING seats, but didnt end up home until 4am (thank you mass transit). Good news is I didnt puke this time.

So far, this summer has been great! This weekend is my birthday!!

Life GPS?

i cry 3 out of 7 nights a week. that can't be normal. i cry about everything and nothing at the same time... and i hate how dramatic that sounds.

it's midnight and i'm sitting here sobbing. on the way home, i cried over a guy that i barely knew that died 4 years ago. i dont know why he popped into my head, but i cried for a good half hour.

i've been in minnesota, wisconsin, NC, PA, and NJ in a 12 hour span. been on the road all week. had a big meeting yesterday and it went horribly. the office is going to have my head for not getting my objective. i almost cried after that meeting.

i cried a few days ago because i realized that even if i do a good job at work, it doesnt really amount to anything. selling things to people who dont need it (or even want it) serves no purpose in the grand scheme of things. and there's no thanks. just- "so what are you going to do next?" i guess that's corporate america, but i'm done. i want out. that's no way to live.

All of my friends are getting married, building careers for themselves, having babies.... and here i am selling shit, still living at home, and alone for the last 4 years. when did i get so lost? i remember being confident. i remember being right along side all of these people. when did i fall behind? i feel so hopeless. i'm debating a career change and it terrifies me. i'm so scared i'm going to fail and be even worse off than i am now.

how is it that everyone else found their path, and i found my way off of mine?

can't live with em...

I really don't understand men. I'm sure thats not shocking if you know me, and probably why I tend not to bother at all.
One thing that has been happening quite often that I just cant understand:

Why is it that when my guy-friends are single, we can just be friends and hang out and everything is fine. The minute they get into a relationship, I start to look like a fine prospect for "the other woman".

This I cannot understand.

I also find it kinda disrespectful- to both the gf and me. What is that about??? Is it because when we're single they dont want to flirt because they dont want me to think they're interested? When they're in a relationship they dont have to worry about making any moves? i really don't understand.

success!

tonight my company held a dinner in my honor for closing a huge account that easily took 5 years off my life. and that's coming from someone that jumps out of planes for fun. it was only 6 people, but it felt good to celebrate a job well done. i put my guts into this account for the last 3 months and it actually paid off!

so now that i've accomplished this huge success... anyone want to give me pointers on how to ask for a raise?

Namaste?

i havent blogged in awhile... i'm a lapsed blogger.

things have been insane at work- 12 to 14 hour days, weekends, travel halfway across the world and back. new opportunities and key account strategies. it's great to have growth in this economy, but it nearly killed me. i went so all-out on the first key account pitch that i was bedridden for a solid week. i thought i had meningitis. turns out, it was effects from exhaustion. i had literally completely run myself down.

the day i got back to the office, one of my coworkers sat me down and told me that my priorities are completely out of whack. when wallpaper drives you to week-long illness, there's a problem. last week at dinner, one of my buyers told me the same thing. she knew nothing of the illness, but she did know that she was getting emails from me at 10pm and then again at 7am the next morning. she said that having a good career is good, but having a good life is essential. when someone that is basically a stranger preaches advice like this over red wine and sushi, you should listen.

my friends and family have been telling me this for almost four years now. i completely agree with them, but i cant seem to pry myself out of work. not because i love it, but because i dont know how else to fill my time. i've been on this schedule for 4 years now and bad habits die hard. my friends are far away, and it seems like there's no way to meet new people (new girl friends OR boyfriends) unless it's via an online dating service or through work. neither of which appeal to me.

my new year's resolution was to get my priorities straight and be sure that although i can work hard at work, i can also play just as hard on my off-time. well, so far, i havent even given myself any off-time to play!

i'm thinking now that desperate times call for drastic measures.
i read an article in a magazine about a weeklong yoga retreat. this particular retreat is in Maine in the midst of perfect natural Zen, complete with babbling brook and still water lake. the retreat is run by 2 lesbians, which is not surprising for Maine, but will ensure that i wont have to worry about becoming boy-crazy. any guy that would spend a week at a lesbian-run yoga retreat is not for me. although it seems like a bit of overkill, it might be a drastic enough change to kick me into gear. ultimate calm meets ultimate stress, in hopes that the calm will prevail.

there's only one problem:

i hate yoga. i have been an athlete all my life- track, field hockey, lacrosse, swimming, snowboarding, surfing..... and quiet sports work my last nerve. i'm utterly impatient while playing golf. especially if there is a group in front that we need to wait for. i hate waiting my turn to bowl (i also skeeve at the idea of rental shoes). yoga fits into this category. holding poses and staying calm and focusing on breathing doesnt really work for me. my mind wanders and i usually end up planning my next meal during the class. i consider this a personal flaw. the fact that i cannot force myself to not think about anything annoys me. then i tend to think about this problem through the entire class.
"just focus. why cant you just relax and stop thinking? this is not stupid. you can do this. stop thinking. now. really. stop. uugh!!"
i end up leaving the class more frustrated then how i came in.

i do love me a good challenge. and maybe if i make this a personal challenge, then it'll be just competitive enough to make me finally figure out how to stay calm and think about nothing. i'm completely aware that turning yoga into a competition with myself is basically insane in a Cybil sort of way.
And i'm ok with that.

Personality Profile

I filled out 20 short answers... and this is what the computer came back with about me:


This is a direct and expressive person, confident and friendly, and individualist who likes to get results through an independent approach. Nix is good at creating and maintaining enthusiasm in others. She needs a position that allows her to have the authority to act without precedent. She has little time for detail, except when a result depends upon it.


This assertive person reacts quickly to a challenge, is restless to succeed and can become impatient when thing do not go according to her plan. She is not particularly compliant and can be opinionated and defiant. She dislikes losing at most things and is anxious to try new ideas.


Nix is a self-starter, and can be impetuous at times and is normally aggressive in both the work and social environment. She can be emotional when something is at stake. She may need to have a clean understanding of what is expected of her.

Descriptive Words: Assertive, Adventuresome, decisive, direct, confident, friendly, forceful, mobile, restless, persistent, strong willed, very independent, sometimes defiant

Ironically, in college, I asked my friends to give me one descriptive word for me to use for my Self Portrait assignment in Photography class.
This is what they came up with: Classic, Feisty, Strong, Funny, Tough, Bold, Loyal, spontaneous, artistic, opinionated, determined, outgoing, flirty, crazy, truthful, independent, innovative, unique, energetic, smart, bitch, driven, odd, wacky, unpredictable, loud, stubborn, witty, bossy, motivated

But I think I'm just me...

Balance is Key

I'm still reading Good to Great. I've raced through to chapter 4, and I can't put it down. I'm happy to see my character traits called out in this book... a "plow horse rather than a show horse", looking for the greater good of the company than the individual... all that jazz. I have to confess, however, that in the last year, I've taken some bad advice and gotten away from the root of who I am in my soul. I'm not a money-hungry person looking for recognition and fame. In fact, I hate all of those things. I don't like being the center of attention in a crowd. I hate money more than you could imagine. At only chapter 4, I'm resolving to get back to the basics: work long hours, work hard, and achieve a vision that will make this company (if not wallpaper in general) take off in America. With the team I have, I think it's completely realistic, but only if I re-invest myself as I did when I first took this job.

I'm on the chapter about people... and how people within the company are driving the ship. They're talking about healthy debate and how important it is to surround yourself in different perspectives, to identify all variables. There is one part of the book where they're talking about the difference between a healthy, strategical debate vs an ego-raging argument and it says, "more like a heated scientific debate, with people engaged in a search for the best answers." To which, I mentally gave a nod to my Rocket-Scientist best friend, Nicole.

"Thanks Nicole, for teaching me that scientific thought process"
How many times in college did we all stay up late into the night, debating everything from shoes, to religion, to guys? We always respected each others' points of view. And we all had completely opposite points of view. Then I gave a mental nod to the rest of the 3rd Floor gang.

"Thanks Sarah, for teaching me the sensitive side of the thought process"
"Thanks Dave, for keeping us grounded in a very Jersey-real-life perspective."
"Thanks Alan, for always reaching for the stars and making anything possible"
"Thanks Erin, for reminding us that people still value traditional ways of thinking"

It was this mish-mosh of perspectives, coming from a scientist, ballerina, regular-joe, and rich-kid that kept my mind open and continually questioning my own point of view. To this day, I always question, "Is this the best option? How will others view this move?"

In fact, I started a very heated discussion once at work, which will probably stay with me as long as I'm with the company. We had the brand manager for a particular line of wallpaper come from the UK to our US offices. The US team had developed a very specific strategy and the new BM was coming to get briefed on the American way of life as well as our new strategy. After we took him around to stores, we had a meeting to discuss the new strategy.

Prior to the meeting, we knew that this new manager was keyed into the UK strategy, and our strategy would be a tough sell. My supervisor explained the strategy to the manager, and the manager waited patiently. He then asked some targeted, thoughtful questions. My supervisor answered something like "well, that's how we're doing it." It didn't seem like enough of an answer for me. I fully agreed with our strategy, but from learning from my college friends to question everything, I began to play devil's advocate. We'd answered all of the questions I was asking prior to the arrival of this new manager, when we were first developing the strategy. I thought it was important for this new manager to understand how we arrived at this strategy rather than asking him to blindly accept it "because we said so". I figured that since we'd already answered all of this questions, it would be simple to do a Q&A session. If there had been some key point that the US team had missed, it gave the opportunity for the new manager, with a fresh perspective, to find it. Better a member of our team find it now, then a competitor exploit it later.

It seems I was wrong. As I repeated the questions we'd already answered weeks, maybe even months prior, I could see my supervisor's anger mounting. He yelled back, got very defensive, and shot me angry looks. What I thought would be a simple back-and-forth had turned into a fight. I was thrown on "the UK side", a traitor. At one point, he even said to me, "I don't know what's wrong with you, we already agreed to this". I tried to plead my case, but it was pointless. I was a traitor, jumping ship to suck up to the head office.

Later, after we all agreed, again, that our strategy worked, I tried to explain to the VP that I wasn't jumping ship. He said, "Don't worry about it. I knew what you were doing. I wouldn't have let the debate go on if I thought it wasn't right. We're smart to question ourselves constantly. We didn't bring that manager across the Atlantic to preach to him; we brought him here to let him do his job."

Though that made me feel better, since then, I've been questioning my judgement. Should I have just made a presentation to that manager and expected it to be held as Gospel truth? In my experience people accept things like that better when they accept it on their own terms. I wondered that if it was different in business? Was I just too green to understand this stuff?

According to this book, the heated debate was right on the money. Thanks Jim Collins and your research for letting me know that my instincts are good, and that my determination will get me far.

According to this book, it's perspective like mine that takes companies from Good to Great.